I want.

Originally published on Facebook on Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Of all girls, I am one who doesn't ask for anything much but genuine concern and one that values little gestures. Having been growing up as the most soft-spoken member of the family, I've always yearned to be listened to and appreciated when I grow up. While I can adapt rather quickly to things that I have no control over and be cool with quite a number of things in life, I want the way I am to be loved, too. And because of my infamous tendency to be intuitive and spontaneous when it comes to romance, I've always wished for an understanding lover who would go extra miles to surprise me (in a pleasant way) every now and then. As much as I like lovely surprises, what I actually need is a stable, committed and constructive relationship because I always tend to get myself so tangled up after a while and feel the responsibility to keep it going. My commitment and emotions can be overwhelming, but loyal and genuine. And I don't want any less in return.

Yes, just like any human out there, I want a lot of things. But in the process of growing up, some of us are taught to demand less and compromise more in order to maintain good relationships. So what happened to me the last time around was: I made lotsa sacrifices like a good girl, I worked my ass off to make it work when the flame had subsided, I remained faithful and hopeful - until I got cheated on, not once, but thrice. Sad. But okay, I stood up, moved on and started a whole new chapter of my love journey with a heart full of fresh hope.

My self-respect was heightened and I was told to voice out what I want. Though I'm still not quite used to that privilege, it certainly felt so good. But (there's always a hidden "but" somewhere after a good time) the initial infatuation doesn't last forever in any relationship (rule of thumb: don't marry someone you've only known for 6 months or less). Until a point, something would seem to be missing and love would reach its first (sometimes, last) plateau. Your love hormones ain't so readily available to naturally drive you crazy about each other anymore. This is when the honeymoon period's over and problems arise. Guess what? It's perfectly normal - those who have been in long-term relationships would agree with me on this.

Now, instead of giving in and showering each other with constant "acts" of romance, each half of the couple would strive to gain the upper hand in the relationship to feel less fragile and insecure. And since the power in the relationship lies with whoever cares less, ordinary human beings would become selfish children who prioritize their identity, emotions and desires above those of their partners. Trust me, even mature adults have these problems which, as we all know, are detrimental to relationships in general. As for myself, I admit that I'm rather protective of my identity and feelings - wants and needs follow suit.

From here, I think there'd be two options to continue the journey. The first one is simple - do absolutely nothing, simply let it be and watch the love die slowly as the two keep withdrawing and drifting further from each other. The second approach, on the other hand, aims to achieve a higher level of emotional intimacy, which I guess will be the key to resolve the insecurity issues. Before taking this path, it is advisable to review your love, focus on the plus points and recognize the negative traits. Take your sweet time to decide whether you still love him/her enough to cope with their worst and whether he/she is worth your thereafter effort to work things out. If the answer is "No", it's probably best for both to let go of each other, bearing in mind that you'll most likely be faced with the same hurdle the next time around. If you tick "Yes", well, it's time to team up with your partner and come up with a win-win solution. I believe healthy communication is the key factor here - being offensive or defensive, blaming and sarcasms are not beautiful at all, okay? It'd surely be a rather difficult time for both parties. However, if the vision and strategy are set and executed well with great determination and rewarding motivation, there's a high chance that the bond will successfully be strengthened. Well, I do violate basic "rules and regulations" sometimes, but I am aware that it ain't right and working on it for my own good.

Update: whatever you choose to do, make sure to avoid the following acts at all costs:

1. Infidelity/ cheating - it'd leave the person a deep scar and turn you into an asshole, period.
2. Lying - be honest, open and brave instead of spurting out unreal excuses. It wouldn't make anyone feel better that way, or perhaps it would temporarily. But as someone who rigidly sticks with truths, I find it a terrible idea.
3. Emotional/ physical abusing - you're dealing with a person not animal. Just a golden advice for the victims: flee as soon as possible from the monster, no matter what feelings you may still harbor for him/ her.
4. Insulting - show some respect to the one whom you fell in love with. It might soothe your ego temporarily, but karma will hit you back in no time.
5. Putting up with bad behaviors - it is most important not to demean your own self. Just because you genuinely value the relationship and he/she doesn't, you keep working patiently in silence like a bee? Total nonsense.

Being in a relationship is almost like going to a battle, not to fight against the boy/girlfriend, but to form a strong team with that special someone and protect the love itself. It's tiring, yes, but the payback might be worth the heavy investment. And remember, it always takes two hands to clap. Of all things on Earth, I'd least like to be the only one compromising and working my ass off (again) in any kind of relationship. Though I still secretly want a lot of nice stuff (e.g. cotton candies and unicorns), I've never thought one can provide me with all of them. It would be awesome to be occasionally pampered, just remember to return the favor.

All of the above have come from my personal perspective and experience, so you have the right to agree or disagree. I just felt the need to rant during the wee hours and had nowhere to rant but facebook (Blogger decided to have some issue with Java and this kind of topic is not meant to be discussed on my WordPress). Ranting done, my brain is now screaming for sufficient sleep to continue thinking afterwards.

Good morning, World, and happy Hari Raya Haji!

The end. ♥